tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57736664523538118372024-03-14T14:08:13.474-03:00Altered SpiritLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-24866958183113173282013-07-19T15:07:00.000-03:002013-11-06T14:02:51.566-04:00Secrets Confessed<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person that walked in. </i></div>
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<i>That's what the storm is all about"</i></div>
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<i>-Haruki Murakami</i></div>
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So, I took a break - a very long break. Heartbroken by my last blog post before signing off,<a href="http://altered-spirit.blogspot.com/2012/07/secrets.html" target="_blank"> Secrets</a>, I slipped into a long period of depression and stupidity, for lack of a better word. My preacher left to start a new church and I was feeling very alone for a long time. Once I stepped out of this haze of anger, I tried to withdraw from everything I was loving. Even being surrounded and loved by people around me wasn't enough to bring me back completely. <br />
I was hurt<br />
I was confused<br />
And I just wanted to run away.<br />
So, I'm ready to talk about what happened, what hurt me so much that I shut out the world for so long, my heartbreak from my Secret post. It's a long story, and even though it was a year ago, it still is fresh on my mind. I was originally inspired to post my first (well second) post after I was told about a family member that had been sexually assaulted. It took me back to my childhood, hiding under my covers, not sleeping because I knew soon my father would be in the room. I was hurting for this family member and wanted to share with him my story. But, I don't want to get into the details. The real story is that I found my half sister, the one that is 9 months older than me and I met a long time ago. We have the same father, the one who sexually abused me. The first and only time I met her, she was crying hysterically. She was crying so much that we really weren't able to talk much but I remember making out a few of the things she was saying. She was crying asking why he was such a good father to me when he wasn't there for her. It always bothered me but after she left, we just didn't talk again. Well, along comes Facebook and getting in touch with family members. I found her by asking around and sent her an email. I was so excited to see that she had replied and had asked me to send her an email to her personal email. So we sent a few messages back and forth for a bit and one day she asked me why I emailed her to begin with. I told her about how it always bothered me that she thought our father was so good to me but was not good with her and so I told her my story and told her that I went through the same thing she did...and that's when my world fell apart. She called me a liar, questioned how I could let something like that go on for so long. Asked why we didn't have him arrested. I found myself defending myself to her, doubting my own memories and worst of all, being heartbroken that it was just me and not her.<br />
He never did the things to her that he did to me.<br />
He loved her like a father should love his daughter<br />
He paid for her to go to college<br />
He has a good relationship with her now and it devastated me.<br />
Why? Because it left me feeling like something was wrong with me, like I did something as an 8-9 year old to somehow lead him to do the things he did. I felt dirty again and scared. When she asked me why I would tell her something like that, why I would try to ruin their relationship, it hurt. I remembered the look of pain on her face when we first met and I was just trying to comfort her by letting her know that he was not a good father to me either, assuming he had done the same to her. I thought that maybe she was still hurting but instead, it left me feeling like trash. I was the child that he lusted after. It wasn't in his nature, it was just me, something i did to make him behave that way.<br />
So I wanted to shutdown again. I took a break from the world and found in that year of trying to shut the door and check out, I was surrounded by people trying to break that door in. I found friendships that have come to mean the world to me. I found comfort in being surrounded by people instead of being alone in my thoughts. My kids, through all my internal fighting, were there being the sweetest they could be. I know my daughter could see that I was fighting something and she was there to tell me it was ok. I don't think I could love my kids more than I do right now. I think if it wasn't for those people who stuck around no matter how hard i tried to push them out, that I wouldn't be here writing again - so thankful!<br />
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<br />Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-46879445190801138252012-07-26T00:10:00.001-03:002012-07-26T00:54:20.278-03:00SecretsThere is nothing more heartbreaking than not being believed when you confess a secret.<br />
I am so sad right now<br />
My soul feels like it is breaking with my heart<br />
I understand why people keep things to themselves.<br />
This girl tried to take the power back<br />
This girl tried to make sure it wouldn't happen to someone else, but<br />
This girl was called a liar<br />
and it hurts so bad.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-77143841676680187682012-07-17T13:47:00.000-03:002019-03-11T17:48:14.846-03:00How to Tell Friends You're a Christian (and not scare them off)If you've been reading my blog, you know that I would consider myself a born again Christian. Though I still cringe when I think of that term, I feel like it fits me. Why do I cringe? I've been on the outside looking in at my born again friends. I see how they come off as self righteous and judgmental. I've suffered at the hands of people who profess to be Christian but were scum of the earth in disguise. I've studied other faiths, intensely, and heard the arguments for and against Christianity - those arguments have come out of my mouth. Because of this, I know why people are so uncomfortable with those that proudly display their faith. I'm not saying that I have it all correct, I am still learning and trying to understand everything I've been taught and everything I read, but it is how I feel I have been lead. I know I have a sinners heart, so to say I follow my heart when it comes to my "interpretation" of scripture would probably make me wrong. But I feel comfortable enough in what I have read in the Bible and my understanding of it, though, to say that I am on the correct path.<br />
Today, I had an incident where a fellow co-worker and long time friend commented on the fact that my son is behind on his immunizations. He asked, with a smirk and a sarcastic tone, if the reason my son is behind on his immunizations was because of some cultish, religious belief. My normal, old me reaction would be to say "Screw you - you're just jealous that I'm going to heaven and your not!" - irritation coupled with a bit of humor/sarcasm. Not today. In fact, it didn't even phase me. What did I say? "No, he's behind because of bad insurance and because I didn't want to dose him with 100's of shots early on like they tend to do now." No sarcasm, no dirty looks - nothing. I don't really know why I was thinking about the conversation, but in thinking about it I had the thought. "am I hiding my beliefs from my old friends, you know, the Christ hating atheist friends of mine?" I mean, I never post things like "praise the Lord" or "my God is great" on Facebook like some people I know do, my blog is definitely not linked to my Facebook page, and I don't go to church with my old friends or invite them to go with me. Am I ashamed of my Christianity? Friends close to me knows that I go to church and some of them even know how strong my faith has become but I don't share with them really the joy I've come to feel. Then I thought of my Facebook friend and artist <a href="http://journeyartfully.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Patty Ann Hale</a> and a post she had put on Facebook back in December. It said: <i>"A local pastor's blog that I thought was really great. Don't keep the goodness of the Lord all to yourself. Whether it's sharing at your workplace, at school, in your church, or right here on facebook... we should live our beautiful redeemed lives "out loud" so that all may see the beauty of the ONE who came to love us "out loud."</i><a href="http://gracepointbristol.blogspot.com/2011/12/mary-didnt-keep-him-to-herself.html" target="_blank"><i> Grace Point Church</i></a><i>"</i> While I feel it is better to reflect Christ in how we live than to share it with words, I'm began to wonder if I am wrong. Well, let me restate that, not wrong but scared. Scared to share and turn my friends away.<br />
I know my family treats me differently. My sister apologizes when she says a bad word, I can tell she chooses her words more carefully around me. She thinks that's all that I want to talk about and maybe avoids talking to me because of it. My mother thinks I spend too much time involved with my church and worries what I give to it. My brother, the atheist, would have very little to do with me if I ever dared talk to him about church. I hope I'm not hiding, a closet Christian. I don't think I am. I think I'm just scared that people will ask me questions, wanting to debate the Bible. I haven't got the knowledge or confidence to do that, or at least I don't think so. I guess I'll just try to keep living it instead of just saying it and hopefully one day I will be confident in my faith enough to be willing to talk to others about it when they ask.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-65586300186459447432012-06-23T01:30:00.000-03:002012-07-26T01:04:59.449-03:00A Failure<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My bedroom was so alive with light this morning, but today I feel like I am surrounded by darkness.<br />
I feel like a total failure,<br />
A hypocrite,<br />
Not humble enough, not deserving of God's grace.<br />
I know it comes from my own fears.<br />
Fear of doing or saying something wrong, something that is an incomplete image of God - my own God puzzle, with pieces that I've cut to make fit. I don't feel knowledgeable enough or authoritative enough to speak or write about His word. I'm afraid of confusing people or turning them away. I'm afraid of reflecting what a Christian shouldn't be than what a Christian should be.<br />
I don't always articulate well. Most of the time feeling like maybe I come off as arrogant and superior instead of humble and loving, but that is not my heart. I've always felt that reflecting who Christ is and who He calls us to be was better than me trying to explain Christianity
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I do not claim to be perfect. I have my struggles. Everyday I struggle with wanting to be an addict. Yes - I said that correct, "wanting to be". So that I don't have to "Be Here". So that I can hide away in the numbness of addiction to whatever vice I want. I choose a more socially acceptable vice - shopping or food. I retreat into the Internet, tuning out my children that want me and need me. Tuning everyone out.<br />
I want to shut this site down. I am freaking out over everything I've written.<br />
How "not" Christian it is.<br />
How much of Me is out there.<br />
How much some people will know and see.<br />
And I hate it all.<br />
So, I close my blog...<br />
Open my blog.<br />
I write and don't publish<br />
A read and re-read my words to make sure they are proper and correct.<br />
But today I give up and give in. I'll publish what I've written. I'll take criticism with praise and I'll be okay with it because I refuse to give in to the voice that keeps telling me that I'm not good enough for salvation or for God.<br />
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<br />Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-55986670375191346302012-05-10T17:30:00.001-03:002013-09-09T12:59:36.500-03:00HidingI've been hiding out again.<br />
Work has been a bit stressful and I haven't been very motivated to share much.<br />
In all honesty, I actually got stressed out about how much I have shared on here. Over the years, I had developed a tendancy to keep things to myself and didn't like people prying into my life. Makes no sense being a blogger and all, but blogging was supposed to be my way of letting others in, learning that it's ok to let people see every side of you, even the damaged ones. This was supposed to help me be comfortable being me and instead I'm freaking out. I contemplated deleting the blog, making it private...and then I decided to just forget I had one for a few weeks which seems to have turned into months.<br />
So, where have I been and what have I been doing?<br />
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I guess I've been here, dealing with normal (and not so normal) life stuff.</div>
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Taking care of the kids</div>
Taking care of my mother when she broke her wrist (long story)<br />
Working and trying to remain sane,<br />
which I can say that my kids have done a fabulous job of helping me do. They kept me alive and alert..more than you could ever know. They pulled me out of the dark places I was wanting desperately to go to and have kept me motivated...to just be. I mean, look at them, how could you not love those faces??<br />
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I never realized how grounded my kids kept me. I always thought they just kept me on the line of sanity and insanity. I never thought kids would be part of my life but I am so glad that they are.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-85044004784011196962012-05-10T12:47:00.000-03:002013-10-14T13:48:39.225-03:00Dear JesusJesus, my Savior and Friend,<br />
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I wanted to chat and let you know where I've been. Been working on finding my joy, being the person I should: the good mother, good friend, good follower. I've struggled, I've stumbled, fallen flat on my face but I've met some wonderful people along the way. They've picked me up and helped me out, helped me understand what these tumbles are all about. I've caught sight of you in all their faces and it brings me such joy to know that you are still there with me, every step of the way. I know I will continue to stumble, I will fight against the things you want from me, and I want to go ahead and apologize, but I am so happy to know that you are there for me and I just wanted to thank you.<br />
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Love,<br />
MeLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-92180288515235326292012-03-23T18:16:00.000-03:002012-07-26T01:31:25.133-03:00Turning the Other CheekI've often wondered why I've stayed at my job for as long as I have - it can be a stressful and very toxic environment. Now, don't get me wrong, it has it's perks. My bosses pay me well, think that family comes first, and for the most part, treat me like family (good and bad). But, just like anywhere else, it has its moments of conflict. <br />
Since my husband left, I have noticed a major change in who I am. I know returning to church has been the main reason for that and today it became extremely obvious to me how much I have changed. You see, today I let something pass by. I let go of my anger and irritation at a co-worker and told him that I wanted to move on. I got put into a situation yesterday that I didn't want to be in. I put myself there because I was trying to help another co-worker find a solution to his problem. Without getting into any details, this person blamed me for something that he was responsible for and accused me of trying to get him "in trouble" (yes, we are both adults!) in my quest for a solution - saying this to me based on complete assumption only. This accusation was sent in a mass email that went out to several people after the office had closed. I was so angry last night that I must have written and re-written 5 emails in response that I was going to send to everyone. I did the same on my Facebook account, wrote and re-wrote negative comments and public complaints about this co-worker even though I can't stand it when other people do the same. <br />
But I never hit send.<br />
I never posted to Facebook.<br />
Day two and here I am at work. I came in this morning planning on not engaging with this co-worker at all. Planning on being positive and moving beyond - which lasted all of 3 hours. It took 3 hours for him to say something to me that almost pushed me off the deep end. In trying to help him, because he told me he was busy, I screened a call for him and tried to get the caller the answer to their questions. I was told by my co-worker to stay out of calls for that department as I don't know what I'm doing, in what I knew was meant to be a demeaning tone - yes, there is a history of prior conflict. <br />
I've never been one to bite my tongue, but I did and somehow managed to make it back to my office before I started complaining about him to another co-worker - and that is when I took my breath. That is when I realized I needed to stop this "nothing" before it turned into something. I went to my co-workers desk and decided to talk to him. I told my co-worker that I did not want to be angry and did not want to fight and the most unthinkable thing happened.<br />
He gave me a hug<br />
And an apology.<br />
It felt good and it felt right<br />
And my day couldn't have gone any better after that.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-62635840510181306152012-03-04T23:39:00.002-04:002013-10-14T11:35:50.495-03:00Why Did I Stay?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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What in the world was I thinking? <br />
I had another job lined up, one that was closer to home, with less stress and less responsibility.<br />
Yet I stayed.<br />
December, 2010 I tried to quit my job. I tried to quit after months of enduring some of the worse stress I've ever managed to endure. Things had gotten so stressful for me at work, that I would go to the bathroom at work just to cry. I would come home from work and completely ignore my kids, unless it was to yell at them. It got so bad that my doctor put me on two medications to help me manage to get through the day.<br />
Yet I stayed.<br />
My boss seemed shocked that I wanted to leave, though she had to have known it was coming. It was obvious that I was fed up with everyone. She asked me to reconsider and even offered me more money to stay. And I did.<br />
I can't say that the money didn't factor into my staying, but it was more than that. It was that she actually wanted me to stay. It gave me confirmation that I was doing my job and that I was a valued employee, something I was questioning.<br />
The following month after deciding to stay, I started attending church - something I never thought I'd do again (a long story for another day). But, there was Gordon that day at the coffee shop, probably the forth or fifth preacher to have asked me to come to his church and the timing couldn't have been better - I was finally ready for it. I came to fully embrace my Christianity and it has shown at work. My co-workers have noticed this change in me too.<br />
And that is why I stayed...or so I guess. They have seen changes in me and some have even asked questions that have started meaningful conversations. Some teasing from a co-worker about my new "Christian cult" followed by reactions from myself that have shown me the strength I have in my faith. Feeling the joy of not letting my anger overtake me and turning the other cheek only to have it be followed by an apology and a hug by the offender. Opportunities to discuss with co-workers the importance of forgiving (though I am definitely not perfect here) and having them listen without them feeling like I am lecturing, judging, or preaching to them. And I've had the pleasure of seeing relationships slowly repairing themselves following forgiving.<br />
I feel blessed that God has given my a chance to see all his grace working around me. I am so grateful that God gave me this place, this real life, uncontrolled workplace, to grow my faith even stronger.<br />
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Sharing at:<br />
<a href="http://www.michellederusha.com/2012/03/hear-it-on-sunday-use-it-on-monday-more.html" target="_blank">Graceful: Hear it on Sunday, Use it on Monday</a><br />
<a href="http://findingheaventoday.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Finding Heaven</a>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-39330828389850028982012-02-10T10:05:00.001-04:002012-02-10T10:05:48.084-04:00Jesus Help Me to Stand<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Some Friday Inspirational sounds from Alison Krauss. I've never been a country music fan, but I love her voice.</div>
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Enjoy!</div>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-28915951015740284912012-01-23T15:12:00.001-04:002012-01-23T15:12:47.092-04:00Broken FamiliesThe last few weeks have been a real struggle for me at work.<br />
I've been brokenhearted, saddened by watching these families and friends that I work for slowly fall apart.<br />
Hurting as if it was my own family being destroyed.<br />
I look for my role in this challenge and wonder if I could've done anything to prevent this.<br />
What is the reason for this?<br />
What is the lesson?<br />
I hear God speaking to me, in the people he's putting before me, in Facebook post that "click" for my situation, in blogland, and in the Sunday school lesson and sermon that followed.<br />
Concrete solutions has been difficult to see but some words of wisdom have been comforting.<br />
I've taken the wisdom from Sunday school's scripture:<br />
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<em><strong><sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">1</span></sup></strong> I therefore, <sup class="xref" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29257A" title="See cross-reference A">A</a>)"></sup>a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to <sup class="xref" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29257B" title="See cross-reference B">B</a>)"></sup>walk in a manner worthy of <sup class="xref" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29257C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)"></sup>the calling to which you have been called, <sup class="versenum" id="en-ESV-29258"><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">2</span></strong></sup> with all <sup class="xref" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29258D" title="See cross-reference D">D</a>)"></sup>humility and <sup class="xref" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29258E" title="See cross-reference E">E</a>)"></sup>gentleness, with <sup class="xref" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29258F" title="See cross-reference F">F</a>)"></sup>patience, <sup class="xref" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29258G" title="See cross-reference G">G</a>)"></sup>bearing with one another in love, <sup class="versenum" id="en-ESV-29259"><strong><span style="font-size: x-small;">3</span></strong></sup> eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in <sup class="xref" value="(<a href="#cen-ESV-29259H" title="See cross-reference H">H</a>)"></sup>the bond of peace. </em></div>
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<em>Ephesians 4:1-3 (NIV)</em></div>
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and from our Sunday sermons from James 1 in speaking of taking great joy and perservering during trials. <br />
I don't know if this is <em>my </em>trial to endure but considering how much my heart hurts for my co-workers, I will joyfully endure with them.</div>
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I will come to work and give a shoulder to lean on. </div>
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I will give them all the love I have to give them in hopes of them finding the love they all had for each other before this all happened.</div>
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I will cast all my worries on Him (1Peter5:7) and remain confident in kowing that He has a plan for what is happening.</div>
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</div>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-28939299186120485972012-01-15T13:08:00.000-04:002013-10-14T13:49:25.635-03:00Perfectly ImperfectI was thinking, "Why do we beat ourselves up for our lack of perfection before God?" Maybe I believe different than most, but if God made me who I am, how I am and God makes no mistakes, then:<br />
I am perfect.<br />
There is nothing about me that is wrong.<br />
I totally and completely embrace who I am<br />
Because God made me the way I am<br />
It is because of the circumstances in life that he has put before me that I have<br />
the personality that I have,<br />
the desires.<br />
It is because of the gifts He has bestowed upon me that I have<br />
the talents I have,<br />
the skills.<br />
He has a purpose for me and I am going with it completely.<br />
Do I embrace my sinfulness? No, but I will not punish myself when I fall to sin. Who am I to punish myself when God has forgiven me? Jesus has already paid for my sins, which I am grateful for. <br />
God uses my sins to teach me, help me grow into who he wants me to become. So, instead of beating myself up, I will take these lessons as opportunities to become the Christian that I want to be.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-79910536448073350602012-01-08T23:02:00.001-04:002012-01-09T16:41:07.899-04:00Changing Hearts<b><i>"5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6. in all your ways submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight."</i></b><br />
<b><i>Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)</i></b><br />
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I have to make a confession - I've been avoiding going to church. There were several small, silly reasons that I hadn't gone:<br />
- feeling anti-social<br />
- stressed<br />
- holiday overkill<br />
- exhaustion with the kids<br />
Those were all excuses I was making but not the real reason I wasn't going. Have you ever met someone that, for lack of a better way to say it, "rubbed you the wrong way"? Maybe they never said anything directly to you, but you felt that comments were meant as jabs and you felt like they were constantly judging you. I have one of those people in my life. I've been able to not let it bother me until recently, but I guess maybe I let them get to me at a sensitive moment. So, I've been avoiding them by avoiding church. See, I wasn't mad at this person, I didn't truly think that this person was trying to hurt me or anything. I was bothered by my reaction to this person. You have to know me to really understand why this has been hard for me. I am totally oblivious when it comes to people not liking me (or liking me). You literally have to tell me, "I don't like you. Go away", before I will get the hint. This person didn't do that. Not only did they not do that, I don't think they've said anything to me to be hurtful or mean, so I've been very confused by my feelings, but I think I may know why now. <br />
When it comes to my Christianity, I feel like a failure. I feel like it is insufficient and flawed. I've rejected my Christianity more than once. I struggle with being the humble Christian woman I am asked to be. I admire the soft spoken kind woman. Me - I talk to much, am straight forward, too honest, loud, and a confident woman. I actually think that I'm upset that this person might not see anything good in me. Why do I care? I see how this person can carry both those sides, maybe not to an extreme, and be a beautiful Christian woman. It's what I'd love to be.<br />
She came up to me after service today and apologized for making a joke a few weeks ago at what she considered my expense ( a joke that I could've seen myself making). When she first came up to me, she asked how I'd been and tried to make small talk. It was so strange that the only thing I could say was "Fine. So what do you want?" It didn't come out quite as harsh as it's written here, but it was direct. When she apologized, I wanted to tell her how I'd felt and how I didn't like that I felt that way. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was that I had these odd feelings toward her in my heart, but I think I was so taken aback by the entire thing that all I could say was thank you. I was probably one of the most sincere thanks you's that I've ever said. I felt it in my heart and it made me want to cry because it felt so good.<br />
I don't know if things are perfect now, or even really better, but my heart has come to understand it's own confusion and from there I can pull it towards a better way of thinking toward this person and myself. I thank God for motivating me to go to "coffee shop service" (as I so fondly refer to it as) Sunday and for listening to my heart these last few weeks about it all. I am grateful to my preacher for telling me Sunday that "Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment." (Proverbs 18:1 ESV). It encouraged me to come to church when I just wanted to curl up at home. I asked for guidance and God gave me more than I expected. I love it when I see God so brilliantly and hear His soft whisper so loudly.<br />
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Linking today at:<br />
<a href="http://www.michellederusha.com/2012/01/hear-it-on-sunday-use-it-on-monday-big.html" target="_blank">Hear it on Sunday, use it on Monday</a>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-49511484048266409862011-12-21T00:57:00.001-04:002011-12-27T23:45:41.211-04:00The Nutcracker<div>
I haven't really been able to sit and write for long lately. I think the Christmas season has just worn me down a bit - it usually does. This time of the year tends to be more stressful at work for some strange reason, so I normally come home and zone out completely. It's good to let the brain rest every now and then.</div>
My gorgeous daughter Isabel got to see the Nutcracker today on a school field trip. Of course, a trip to the ballet means having to dress up and take beautiful pictures, so I thought I'd share some. I can't believe she is 7 years old, but she has maturity well beyond her years (and my years too), a heart of gold and always knows what to say at just the right time.
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<br /></div>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-59185955332446161322011-12-13T16:28:00.000-04:002011-12-27T23:45:18.243-04:00Some Lessons are Learned the Hard Way<i></i><br />
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<i>Kristin</i></div>
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<i>November 13, 1979 - November 18, 2011</i></div>
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<i><i style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">Those who mourn Kristin's sudden passing include her daughters, parents, brother, and other loving family and friends. Despite her emotional and mental pain, she found much happiness and pride in her dear daughters whose love was her most precious gift. Her study and gifted expression of ballet had been a source of joy to her for many years. Now the chains of suffering no longer bind her. That beautiful, compassionate and graceful spirit is free to dance among us and into the loving arms of the One who always claimed her as child. Those of us who knew her, love her and grieve are assured by faith of her peace at last and joy forever. A worship service in her memory and to the glory of God will be held on Thursday, December 1st at 4:00 at First Presbyterian Church...</i></i></div>
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<i><b>Raleigh News & Observer, obituary, (edited for privacy)</b></i></div>
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I found out that someone from my past had died of a drug overdose the Friday before Thanksgiving. This wasn't someone I considered a friend but it still seems to be bothering me more than I had expected. She was a mother of two beautiful girls, a daughter to two loving parents, and a sister to a brother - all of whom are trying to understand how this could happen to them. <br />
Kristin's story is a sad story. She became a mother and a drug addict at a very young age. I met her through a friend of mine that would babysit her daughter. I heard the stories from my friend about how Kristin would try to do good, to get a job and get off drugs, but she would always revert back to her bad habits. I knew of the abuse she suffered at the hands of her boyfriend. She had come into where I was working one day with her mother and recognized me and asked if I would hire her. She seemed healthy and like she was getting her life together, and after talking with my friend, I hired her. She was a great person to work with, never complaining and always working hard, but it didn't last long. After a few weeks, I noticed changes in her. She was coming in late, or not at all. There was a smell on her that was familiar to me - the smell of heroin. I tried talking to her but eventually had to let her go and that was the last time I saw her. That was about 10-15 years ago. <br />
I feel an overwhelming sadness for her daughters. My father was a drug addict and was abusive, all things that her daughters have had to see. It sets two paths before you - one following in your parent's footsteps, the other down a long journey with many forks. Forks that turn you into a bitter, cold person and forks that make you compassionate and understanding. I hope that her daughters take the longer journey and learn to be stronger women, women that can learn to understand their mother and her mistakes and learn from them so those mistakes don't happen again.<br />
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<i>"I walked a mile with Pleasure</i></div>
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<i>She chattered all the way;</i></div>
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<i>But left me none the wiser</i></div>
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<i>For all she had to say.</i></div>
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<i>I walked a mile with Sorrow</i></div>
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<i>And ne'er a word said she;</i></div>
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<i>But oh, the things I learned from her</i></div>
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<i>When Sorrow walked with me."</i></div>
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<b><i>Robert Browning Hamilton</i></b></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Tahoma, Verdana, 'Arial Unicode MS', SansSerif, sans-serif, Helvetica;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 24px;"><br /></span></span>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-39076293611317048352011-12-13T16:11:00.000-04:002013-10-14T13:50:53.505-03:00Casting Demons - UPDATE<span id="fullpost">Can I tell you how happy I am right now?</span><br />
It's been maybe 3 weeks since I wrote about the possibility of having my financial situation change due to my ex-husband's job not going so well (see <a href="http://altered-spirit.blogspot.com/2011/11/casting-my-worries-aside.html" target="_blank">Casting My Worries Aside</a>). Long story short, he was feeling like the entire company would possibly be shutting down for good by the end of the year.<br />
I have been working on letting go of all those voices and demons that tell me that things will be difficult, that I can't handle things on my own, but didn't know how well I was really succeeding at that. I was confused about my own feels since I didn't seem to be worried about it. I didn't know if it was a true faith in God or if I was just in total denial. Well, after several weeks, I began to realize that I was not in denial and I did have faith that God would see me through this - and boy did He. Not only is my ex husband's company not closing down, but his hours are not getting cut (again) and they will have steady work for at least 6 months if not a year. Great news in this economy, especially for a company in the construction industry.<br />
But, I think I am mostly just really happy that I didn't allow myself to stress about it. I told God that I had faith in His plan and would do my best to abide by His wishes. Easy to say when things go how you would like, I know, but still I am happy.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-3981213883802124442011-12-12T18:02:00.000-04:002013-09-09T12:34:24.023-03:00Angel Tree, Grumbling Givers<strong><em>"The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear."</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>Buddy the Elf (Elf movie 2003)</em></strong><br />
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I am upset. I may even be mad.<br />
I don't know why I do this to myself, but I was reading a question/comment that someone had posted onto a website that I frequent. The question that was posed to the reader was about needy kids asking for expensive presents. The writer had asked the reader how they felt about needy kids on Angel Trees asking for gifts like Xbox games and Ipods. The writer felt that if the kids had an Xbox, then obviously their parents could afford to get them a gift themselves. I read the first 10 comments before deciding I needed to fire one off of my own.<br />
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<em>"I can't believe how many people are chastising the kids for asking for a "want" at Christmas. How would you feel, being poor, to only get socks or shoes for Christmas? How would you feel having to go back to school after Winter Break and listen to everyone talk about the cool things they got and you have nothing to talk about? Who are we to judge what these kids have? Maybe they got an xbox as a hand me down from a friend that upgraded, so what is so wrong with asking for a game? I try my hardest to teach my kids that Christmas is not about getting tons of toys and gadgets, but who are we kidding? That is what it has become, unfortunately. Me, I don't mind buying the xbox game for the kid that ask for it, even though I don't have one, because it is not for me to question how he got it. We should give out of a desire to bring joy to a child who otherwise wouldn't get much. People - have a heart, these are kids who the majority of the time probably have to be little adults at home to help out. And for those of you who said your churches leave "those" kinds of tags on the tree - shame on you."</em></div>
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Ok, I know - I didn't need to be so harsh, but I was mad. I look at the Angel Tree at my<a href="http://www.aversborocoffee.com/" target="_blank"> local coffee shop</a> everyday and feel like crying. I cry because I know that these kids go without for most of the year. I get upset because even if these kids have cool toys, gadgets, a big TV, many of these kids only have one part time parent. I say "part time parent" not to say single parents don't do a good job of raising their kids (I'm a single mother of two), but because it is extremely difficult to be a parent the way most of us would want to be when you are just physically and mentally exhausted from a long day at work and just want to rest for 5 minutes before you have to get the kids fed, homework done and the kids bathed. Before you know it, it's time for bed and you've barely spoken two words to your kids. I don't grumble about being a single parent but I know that what I just wrote describes a typical day for me. I am luckier than many, though. I have a job that pays well and an ex-husband that loves his kids and understands he needs to support them - but even with that, it's hard to be a great parent because really all our kids normally want is our attention which can be so hard to give at the end of the day. </div>
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Maybe I was a bit harsh and let my anger get the best of me, but I can't help it when I think my kids could be one of those kids. I just want us all to remember what it was like to be a kids at Christmas. Though Christmas is about Jesus' birth, I have always felt that it was about His "gift" to us as well. It''s a gift that we can never repay or duplicate. God does not command us to give when we don't want to or have the means (<a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Corinthians+9&version=NIV" target="_blank">2Corinthians 9:7</a>), so we should not question those who feel they have a need. Whether you have good memories or bad ones, at the end of the day, we should want to bring joy to a kid who otherwise might not have a great Christmas. <a href="http://www.openbible.info/topics/giving_to_the_needy" target="_blank">Great list of bible scripture referencing giving</a>.</div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-50752994259872123832011-11-22T02:06:00.001-04:002011-11-22T02:30:24.497-04:00Casting My Worries Aside<i><b>25 </b>Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? <b>26 </b>Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? <b>27 </b>Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life. <b>28 </b>And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. <b>29 </b>Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. <b>30 </b>If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? <b>31 </b>So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’<b>32 </b>For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. <b>33 </b>But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. <b>34 </b>Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. </i><br />
<b><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%206&version=NIV" target="_blank"><i>Matthew 6:25-34</i> </a></b><br />
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I feel okay right now.
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I think I'm confident in God's plan, </div>
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but I just don't really know.</div>
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I don't know if I really have faith in myself, in what I am feeling.</div>
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I got some news Friday that normally would've sent me into panic mode - </div>
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My ex-husband is being cut down to part time pay again,</div>
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less than two months after being bumped back up to full time.</div>
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The company he works for is not doing well financially,</div>
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he's worried he might not have a job much longer.</div>
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All this means he will not be able to afford to provide the same support he has,</div>
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the support I need to pay for</div>
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childcare, </div>
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mortgage,</div>
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clothes and food...</div>
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But I'm okay and I don't know why.</div>
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Is it really because I have complete faith in God's plan for me or am I just in denial?</div>
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I'm not use to putting my future, my security into someone else's hands, even God's.</div>
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I'm used to being in total control - </div>
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This doesn't feel like me, like who I am. </div>
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Have I really grown that much in Christ that I can surrender all my worries to Him?</div>
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I asked my preacher during our "coffee shop Sunday" session, How do we know when what we are feeling is based on our faith in God's plan or just the situation not having "sunk in"yet?</div>
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His answer, "Do you want to give God thanks for the situation you've been put in?" </div>
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I don't know if I am there.</div>
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I don't know if I am giving thanks for my situation, but I am okay.</div>
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As is the season, I will give thanks for what I have and learn to carry that thankfulness throughout the year, when I feel worry, in need, and unhappy with what I have.<br />
I will lay my prayers at His feet and give God my confidence.<br />
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<i><b>6</b> Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. <b>7</b> And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. </i><br />
<i><b><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Philippians%204&version=NIV" target="_blank">Philippians 4:6-7</a></b></i><br />
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Linking today at:</div>
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<a href="http://findingheaventoday.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Finding Heaven</a></div>
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<a href="http://www.michellederusha.com/" target="_blank">Graceful</a></div>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-91871220007958842762011-11-18T13:23:00.001-04:002013-09-09T12:23:40.139-03:00Blog Party<br />
I think I left my brain on vacation as I just can't seem to get out of this funk that I have gotten into the last couple of days. So, to motivate myself, I've joined a "blog party". Guess it'll be nice to share a little more of me. Feel free to join, the link is at the bottom of the post.<br />
Here I go:<br />
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1} What's the nerdiest/geekiest/weirdest thing about you? <br />
I have a thing for geeks, I'll admit it. In school I was popular and a social butterfly, but I always preferred my guys to be a bit nerdy. So, I think because of that, I developed a love for SciFi movies and TV shows. And, can I admit, I used to be a "gamer". Now, people who don't game will not understand what that means, so I'll let you in on it. I used to play role playing games where we would pretend we were elves or halflings and mages and such...boy, the arguments that would ensue sometimes when a character would get killed. We put a lot of heart and soul into them. Yup, a role of the dice would determine our fate sometimes. I think I actually still have my character sheet.<br />
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2} If you could live in a fictional universe from any book, movie, or television show, what would it be? <br />
This one is so hard for me because I tend to like dramas and dark movies/books - who would want to live in those universes?? I am fascinated with the Bronte sisters. I know their books tend to have a dark atmosphere to them, but there is something that seems peaceful to me about how they describe the "moors" in their books. So, I guess that would be the English countryside for me. I also thought that the movie "What Dreams May Come" had a beautiful heaven. I know, a dark movie, but the effects were awesome.<br />
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3} Little or big, practical or frivolous, what is one of your favorite items in your house?<br />
My china cabinet is my favorite thing. It holds all of my art supplies...well, at least the supplies that I don't have spread all over the table, floor, countertops...<br />
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4} Do you like animated movies? If so, what is your favorite?<br />
Beauty and the Beast. I actually saw that in the theater my senior year of high school. Did I just give my age away?<br />
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5} What is your favorite household chore?<br />
Really? I didn't know people had favorite chores.<br />
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6} What's your favorite thing to get at Starbucks (or your favorite coffee shop)?<br />
Well, my favorite coffee shop in the whole world, Aversboro Cafe, makes a chaider that is awesome. It is only available around this time of the year and it is an apple cider and chai mixture and it rocks!<br />
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7} What is your favorite pizza topping?<br />
I like it simple - my favorite is a Margerita pizza which has tomato and basil and cheese.<br />
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8} Waffles or pancakes?<br />
I could live off of pancakes. They are the reason I could never do a low carb diet for long.<br />
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9} Do you like to play games? If so, what is your favorite?<br />
I love playing games but no one likes to play with me...I'm too competitive.<br />
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10} Have you ever let anyone win a game?<br />
Never! Well, maybe just my kids<br />
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11} Have you ever dyed your hair?<br />
On a regular basis since I was in high school. You name the color, I've probably dyed it that color. Currently a dark red.<br />
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12} Do you make your bed every morning?<br />
Nope.<br />
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13} Picasso or Norman Rockwell?<br />
If I have to pick one of those two, it'd be Picasso. Rockwell is too depressing - all those perfect people with their perfect simple lives.<br />
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14} Do you like carpet, tile, or hardwood floors?<br />
I have hardwood floors and I hate them. I don't wear shoes or socks in the house and you can feel every piece of dirty on your feet. I would love carpet if my asthma and allergies weren't so bad. It's just not as nice to lay on the floor when it isn't soft like carpet.<br />
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15} What's your favorite condiment?<br />
Hmm...that white sauce that you get at Japanese hibachi restaurants that no one seems to know what it's really called. That and cucumber sauce you get with gyros.<br />
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16} Have you ever thrown up on someone (excluding when you were a child)?<br />
I don't think so, but I remember my ex husband, before he was my ex or my husband, holding my hair back for me while I was puking from food poisoning. That was the most miserable I've ever been.<br />
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17} What was the last thing that made you laugh?<br />
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Need I say more. My little Noah is a nut!<br />
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18} Think fast...what's the first song that pops into your head?<br />
Chop Suey by System of a Down. I have no idea why.<br />
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Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-72171213633464712442011-11-17T13:39:00.001-04:002011-11-17T13:40:43.333-04:00From the Inside Out<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/brformales/5383746599/" title="A thousand times I failed, still your mercy remains ♥ by bea formales, on Flickr"><img alt="A thousand times I failed, still your mercy remains ♥" height="333" src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5213/5383746599_a61af51434.jpg" width="500" /></a></div>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-33930184658421593252011-11-14T20:44:00.001-04:002013-09-09T12:22:14.876-03:00Autumn Vacation<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--ijqpsAtctY/TsG1I3_5pRI/AAAAAAAAHBQ/y8AM0R-7R_I/s1600/WP_000022.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--ijqpsAtctY/TsG1I3_5pRI/AAAAAAAAHBQ/y8AM0R-7R_I/s320/WP_000022.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love it when I accidently take a pic and it turns out this cool</td></tr>
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I finally managed to take some time off work, 3 workdays off, today being my last day off. My job tends to be a bit stressful, as anyone in construction can tell you. I feel like people rely on me a bit too much sometimes and it can get overwhelming pretty quickly. So, major plans were made to try to relax and do whatever I wanted, all while not worrying about work. Needless to say, it was a total failure. Thursday and Friday, I spent the day answering my cell phone trying to take care of issues and help out co-workers as much as possible. I understand most of what I do comes with experience, knowing who to call and how to get what I need done, so I don't fault anyone that called me. Today though, was a different story. For the most part, I was finally able to take a day off. Only a few phone calls from the office, but nothing major or that I couldn't take care of easily. I had intended to take the day to straighten my house and get rid of/organize junk in my bedroom. Instead, I dropped off my baby boy at daycare (sorry Noah) and spent the day with my daughter.</div>
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We went to a local "walking" park looking for fairy homes, lunch and talking. I love it when Isabel wants to have adult conversations, her being 7 and all it can be pretty funny. </div>
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No fairies were found, but we had fun looking. We had a very nice lunch outside by a small pond. The weather was too nice not to eat outside. 74 degrees in November is always nice, especially after a cold week before. Then we came home, and before picking up Noah, and raked up MORE leaves. Some days I wonder why bother. By the time we were done, it looked like we needed to rake again. Here are some wonderful shots I thoght I'd share:</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3QamHsX8OOc/TsG1LaN0kJI/AAAAAAAAHBU/c5CY7fMSxQk/s1600/WP_000023.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3QamHsX8OOc/TsG1LaN0kJI/AAAAAAAAHBU/c5CY7fMSxQk/s320/WP_000023.jpg" width="171" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Isabel</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No fairies here</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fairy must've been out for the day</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Beautiful lunch outside</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Isabel "helping" with the raking<br />
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So, the house is a mess, my bedroom is the same as before, but I am so thankful to have spent such a beautiful day with my wonderful daughter. These moments are so rare and it's always nice to get one on one time with one of my babies.<br />
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Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-63583248730950299852011-11-08T00:24:00.000-04:002013-10-14T13:56:25.619-03:00Fear Not<span id="fullpost">Why is it that I let fear hold me back so much.</span><br />
I am so afraid of failure that I do not allow myself do pursue my passions<br />
I love to bake. It is my peaceful moment, my joy. I would love to have a bakery but I am scared of not having a stready income while establishing a business, I'm scared that no one will come, I'm scare of being to overwhelmed with the pressure of running a busness and raising two kids.<br />
I love to paint. It is where I express my emotions onto a canvas.I would love to display in a gallery but I am scared that they will be critized, that they will be rejected as art. I'm scared that I will be laughed at.<br />
I never finished college. I would drop a class the second I got anything less than a top score. I was afraid to pick the wrong major and waste my time in a career I wouldn't like. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find a job in my field - so I quit.<br />
Now - I want to date (kinda) but I am scared. <br />
Yes, me scared.<br />
The same girl that pursued her husband<br />
The same girl who, whenever she goes anywhere, will start a conversation with anyone, man or woman, as if we've been friends forever. <br />
I am very scared.<br />
I'm scared that I will meet Mr. Wrong and not see it.<br />
I am scare that my children won't like him, or the other way around.<br />
I'm scared that he will turn out to be abusive or otherwise destroy the person I've become.<br />
I'm scared he won't be what I want in a man - someone who wants to foster their Christianity without being "stuffy".<br />
I'm scared he will begin to hate my flaws, my personality, my humor...<br />
So I avoid it all. <br />
I don't let myself get close to a man.<br />
I won't go out on a date no matter how many times I'm asked.<br />
I guess it's for the best for now,<br />
I'm obviously not ready<br />
But when I am ready, they better watch out!<br />
Because when I am ready, I want to give every part of me that I have ever held back<br />
I want to give purely and selflessly -<br />
I am going to be fearless in love.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-54426578473089263692011-11-07T01:58:00.001-04:002011-11-07T20:38:06.841-04:00Following My Sinful Heart<b><i>"There are two ways through life - the way of nature and the way of grace. You have to choose the one that you will follow."</i></b><br />
<b><i>The Tree of Life</i></b><br />
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This blog isn't what I really intended it to be. I never meant for it to be a Christian blog.<br />
I mean, who am I to write about faith?<br />
I am not educated in religion or Christianity - no university studies or degrees.<br />
I have failed at retaining my faith in God, on more than one occasion.<br />
I am a constant backslider (as we like to call ourselves here in the South).<br />
I use bad words, have tattoos and a temper.<br />
My friends would laugh or be in shocked to see how my heart has changed,<br />
but for whatever reason this is where I have been lead,<br />
Back to where I've been before - believing wholeheartedly that this is the truth.<br />
Maybe I was never really here before.<br />
When I read the Bible now or go to church, it all seems so very new.<br />
New for a girl who has gone to church since before I was going to school,<br />
Who always had this desire to know God.<br />
I have a clearer understanding of it all.<br />
How strange that after years of church and fellowship, a few years of rejecting it all, that it would all seem so foreign.<br />
I'm scared of this path my blog has taken, in a way.<br />
I'm scared that I will fail you as I have been failed by others. <br />
I worry that you will see my mistakes and judge me dishonest, not a true believer.<br />
I hope to not disappoint you,<br />
I hope that you will see a little of me in you,<br />
Not perfect,<br />
Sometimes wrong, <br />
A sinner.<br />
But I also hope that you are able to see that despite all that - you are<br />
Loved<br />
Worthy<br />
Forgiven,<br />
Just like me.<br />
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<center><a href="http://findingheaventoday.blogspot.com/"><img border="0" src="http://i960.photobucket.com/albums/ae88/jenfergie2000/BloggButton.jpg" /></a></center>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-16317671918215228442011-11-06T21:28:00.003-04:002013-10-14T13:58:16.080-03:00Be Thanksful<div style="text-align: center;">
Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,</div>
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If you did, what would there be to look forward to?</div>
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Be thankful when you don’t know something</div>
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For it gives you the opportunity to learn.</div>
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Be thankful for the difficult times.</div>
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During those times you grow.</div>
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Be thankful for your limitations</div>
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Because they give you opportunities for improvement.</div>
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Be thankful for each new challenge</div>
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Because it will build your strength and character.</div>
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Be thankful for your mistakes</div>
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They will teach you valuable lessons.</div>
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Be thankful when you’re tired and weary</div>
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Because it means you’ve made a difference.</div>
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It is easy to be thankful for the good things.</div>
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A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are</div>
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also thankful for the setbacks.</div>
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GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.</div>
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Find a way to be thankful for your troubles</div>
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and they can become your blessings.</div>
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Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-79192796619317938432011-11-03T02:31:00.000-03:002013-09-09T12:18:37.857-03:00Thankfulness<div>
<i><b>“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” </b></i><br />
<i><b>— Thornton Wilder</b></i><br />
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I always find it difficult to jot down the things I am thankful for. It always ends up feeling so obvious and phony. I mean, of course I am going to say that I am grateful for my kids, my home, health, job... but what does it really mean to me? Why am I grateful for these things? Am I really grateful for them? Let's be real - it's difficult raising 2 children on your own, taking care of a home can be financially burdensome on one income, and it's disheartening feeling stuck in a job that does not fulfill me. </div>
I've always been one to be complacent with my circumstances because I always thought, "well, it could be worse. I could be homeless, unemployed or alone", but how honest am I being? Life is not always easy, in fact, I'd say it's rarely easy. My circumstances are not what I expected. I promised myself that I would never be a single mother, I thought for sure that I would make the right decision when I got married, but somethings are just out of our control. And now, my life has gotten off of the path I thought I had it on, the one that I thought I was in control of. That is just fine with me because I am truly thankful for those things I said.<br />
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I am thankful for my children -<br />
they make me smile when I am angry<br />
they remind me that it's OK to be silly, irresponsible, and immature sometimes<br />
their simple way of thinking helps me to slow down and enjoy the moment<br />
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My home -<br />
It's my place to make memories<br />
It's my security blanket<br />
It's my place to relax and be completely me<br />
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My job -<br />
allows me to provide for my family<br />
allows me to take care of my necessities and have extra for that other pair of shoes<br />
Provides enough income that I only have to work one job<br />
Gives me flexible hours to allow me to take care of my family<br />
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Lately though, I am mostly thankful for:</div>
My eyes being opened and my soul reawakened<br />
For the resurgence I feel in my faith<br />
For the hope this all has given me.<br />
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Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5773666452353811837.post-13956120848189140442011-10-31T15:38:00.000-03:002013-09-09T12:17:48.155-03:00My Plan vs. God's Plan<div>
<em>11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. </em><br />
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<em><strong>Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)</strong></em><br />
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It took me a long time to let go of my pain, my shame about my past. I could convince myself that nothing was my fault and I was the innocent person in all that happened in my life, but deep down inside I felt rejected by God. I was being punished for something that I did or will do, for how else could this be my life?<br />
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I think that is why it has been so hard to begin this blog and to make it public. Secretly, I felt that I would be judged by people as someone who must have done something wrong. I felt God had deemed me unworthy of a good life. Why else would God punish me with the difficulties in life I have had? I know none of this is true, but I am a woman and we all know that we are masters at blaming ourselves for everything. We feel guilty over things that we have no control over and had nothing to do with. But, I've had a change of mindset the last few years. I'm still working on making it complete and true to myself, but there are a few things that I feel certain of now.</div>
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- I am not responsible for other people's actions or sins</div>
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- I am not a bad person, despite the mistakes I've made</div>
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- I am not being punished for every imagined wrong I've committed</div>
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I feel certain that had I not had the life I've had, I would not be a good person. I have my faults (don't we all) but I feel like I'm a good person - I care for people around me, I'm kind, loyal. Had I been given a "normal" life, I know that I would've been a wild child, undisciplined and selfish, or at least more so than now. I would've been irresponsible and lost. I know this because I have felt it in me - that wild streak, that feeling of wanting to run away and say to hell with it all! But, when I think of poisoning my body with drugs or alcohol to escape, I think of my father and remember how it destroyed him. When I think of running away and starting all over, I remember how hard it was for my mother with 3 kids to have to start all over. When I get stressed and overwhelmed now, I think of how stressful life used to be and know that it could be worse. Even when I get frustrated at how "small" my 1600sqft. home is, I remember living with 5 people in a two bedroom trailer, the kind that you would hitch to the back of a truck, not even half the size of my current home.<br />
Life is not always easy, but God has a purpose in gifting you with the life He gives you. And it truly is a gift, no matter how hard and no matter how difficult it is to see. I am so grateful for the hard life that I have had. It has made me the person I am and I think I like her. I still have to strive to stay in grace during current trying moments but I know God has a purpose. His plans are bigger than anything I can ever imagine.<br />
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Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02867324945128567027noreply@blogger.com6