Secrets Confessed

"When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person that walked in.  

That's what the storm is all about"

-Haruki Murakami

So, I took a break - a very long break.  Heartbroken by my last blog post before signing off, Secrets, I slipped into a long period of depression and stupidity, for lack of a better word.  My preacher left to start a new church and I was feeling very alone for a long time.  Once I stepped out of this haze of anger, I tried to withdraw from everything I was loving.  Even being surrounded and loved by people around me wasn't enough to bring me back completely.
I was hurt
I was confused
And I just wanted to run away.
So, I'm ready to talk about what happened, what hurt me so much that I shut out the world for so long, my heartbreak from my Secret post.  It's a long story, and even though it was a year ago, it still is fresh on my mind.  I was originally inspired to post my first (well second) post after I was told about a family member that had been sexually assaulted.  It took me back to my childhood, hiding under my covers, not sleeping because I knew soon my father would be in the room.  I was hurting for this family member and wanted to share with him my story.  But, I don't want to get into the details.  The real story is that I found my half sister, the one that is 9 months older than me and I met a long time ago.  We have the same father, the one who sexually abused me.  The first and only time I met her, she was crying hysterically.  She was crying so much that we really weren't able to talk much but I remember making out a few of the things she was saying.  She was crying asking why he was such a good father to me when he wasn't there for her.  It always bothered me but after she left, we just didn't talk again.  Well, along comes Facebook and getting in touch with family members.  I found her by asking around and sent her an email.  I was so excited to see that she had replied and had asked me to send her an email to her personal email.  So we sent a few messages back and forth for a bit and one day she asked me why I emailed her to begin with.  I told her about how it always bothered me that she thought our father was so good to me but was not good with her and so I told her my story and told her that I went through the same thing she did...and that's when my world fell apart.  She called me a liar, questioned how I could let something like that go on for so long.  Asked why we didn't have him arrested. I found myself defending myself to her, doubting my own memories and worst of all, being heartbroken that it was just me and not her.
He never did the things to her that he did to me.
He loved her like a father should love his daughter
He paid for her to go to college
He has a good relationship with her now and it devastated me.
Why?  Because it left me feeling like something was wrong with me, like I did something as an 8-9 year old to somehow lead him to do the things he did.  I felt dirty again and scared.  When she asked me why I would tell her something like that, why I would try to ruin their relationship, it hurt.  I remembered the look of pain on her face when we first met and I was just trying to comfort her by letting her know that he was not a good father to me either, assuming he had done the same to her.  I thought that maybe she was still hurting but instead, it left me feeling like trash.  I was the child that he lusted after. It wasn't in his nature, it was just me, something i did to make him behave that way.
So I wanted to shutdown again.  I took a break from the world and found in that year of trying to shut the door and check out, I was surrounded by people trying to break that door in.  I found friendships that have come to mean the world to me.  I found comfort in being surrounded by people instead of being alone in my thoughts.  My kids, through all my internal fighting, were there being the sweetest they could be.  I know my daughter could see that I was fighting something and she was there to tell me it was ok.  I don't think I could love my kids more than I do right now.  I think if it wasn't for those people who stuck around no matter how hard i tried to push them out, that I wouldn't be here writing again - so thankful!

Secrets

There is nothing more heartbreaking than not being believed when you confess a secret.
I am so sad right now
My soul feels like it is breaking with my heart
I understand why people keep things to themselves.
This girl tried to take the power back
This girl tried to make sure it wouldn't happen to someone else, but
This girl was called a liar
and it hurts so bad.

How to Tell Friends You're a Christian (and not scare them off)

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I would consider myself a born again Christian.  Though I still cringe when I think of that term, I feel like it fits me.  Why do I cringe?  I've been on the outside looking in at my born again friends.  I see how they come off as self righteous and judgmental.  I've suffered at the hands of people who profess to be Christian but were scum of the earth in disguise.  I've studied other faiths, intensely, and heard the arguments for and against Christianity - those arguments have come out of my mouth.  Because of this, I know why people are so uncomfortable with those that proudly display their faith.  I'm not saying that I have it all correct, I am still learning and trying to understand everything I've been taught and everything I read, but it is how I feel I have been lead.  I know I have a sinners heart, so to say I follow my heart when it comes to my "interpretation" of scripture would probably make me wrong.  But I feel comfortable enough in what I have read in the Bible and my understanding of it, though, to say that I am on the correct path.
Today, I had an incident where a fellow co-worker and long time friend commented on the fact that my son is behind on his immunizations.  He asked, with a smirk and a sarcastic tone, if the reason my son is behind on his immunizations was because of some cultish, religious belief.  My normal, old me reaction would be to say "Screw you - you're just jealous that I'm going to heaven and your not!" - irritation coupled with a bit of humor/sarcasm.  Not today.  In fact, it didn't even phase me.  What did I say?  "No, he's behind because of bad insurance and because I didn't want to dose him with 100's of shots early on like they tend to do now." No sarcasm, no dirty looks - nothing.  I don't really know why I was thinking about the conversation, but in thinking about it I had the thought. "am I hiding my beliefs from my old friends, you know, the Christ hating atheist friends of mine?"  I mean, I never post things like "praise the Lord" or "my God is great" on Facebook like some people I know do, my blog is definitely not linked to my Facebook page, and I don't go to church with my old friends or invite them to go with me.  Am I ashamed of my Christianity?  Friends close to me knows that I go to church and some of them even know how strong my faith has become but I don't share with them really the joy I've come to feel.  Then I thought of my Facebook friend and artist Patty Ann Hale and a post she had put on Facebook back in December.  It said: "A local pastor's blog that I thought was really great. Don't keep the goodness of the Lord all to yourself. Whether it's sharing at your workplace, at school, in your church, or right here on facebook... we should live our beautiful redeemed lives "out loud" so that all may see the beauty of the ONE who came to love us "out loud." Grace Point Church"  While I feel it is better to reflect Christ in how we live than to share it with words, I'm began to wonder if I am wrong.  Well, let me restate that, not wrong but scared.  Scared to share and turn my friends away.
I know my family treats me differently.  My sister apologizes when she says a bad word, I can tell she chooses her words more carefully around me.  She thinks that's all that I want to talk about and maybe avoids talking to me because of it.  My mother thinks I spend too much time involved with my church and worries what I give to it.  My brother, the atheist, would have very little to do with me if I ever dared talk to him about church.  I hope I'm not hiding, a closet Christian.  I don't think I am.  I think I'm just scared that people will ask me questions, wanting to debate the Bible.  I haven't got the knowledge or confidence to do that, or at least I don't think so.   I guess I'll just try to keep living it instead of just saying it and hopefully one day I will be confident in my faith enough to be willing to talk to others about it when they ask.

A Failure

My bedroom was so alive with light this morning, but today I feel like I am surrounded by darkness.
I feel like a total failure,
A hypocrite,
Not humble enough, not deserving of God's grace.
I know it comes from my own fears.
Fear of doing or saying something wrong, something that is an incomplete image of God - my own God puzzle, with pieces that I've cut to make fit.  I don't feel knowledgeable enough or authoritative enough to speak or write about His word.  I'm afraid of confusing people or turning them away.  I'm afraid of reflecting what a Christian shouldn't be than what a Christian should be.
I don't always articulate well.  Most of the time feeling like maybe I come off as arrogant and superior instead of humble and loving, but that is not my heart.  I've always felt that reflecting who Christ is and who He calls us to be was better than me trying to explain Christianity
I do not claim to be perfect.  I have my struggles.  Everyday I struggle with wanting to be an addict.  Yes - I said that correct, "wanting to be".  So that I don't have to "Be Here".  So that I can hide away in the numbness of addiction to whatever vice I want.  I choose a more socially acceptable vice - shopping or food.  I retreat into the Internet, tuning out my children that want me and need me.  Tuning everyone out.
I want to shut this site down.  I am freaking out over everything I've written.
How "not" Christian it is.
How much of Me is out there.
How much some people will know and see.
And I hate it all.
So, I close my blog...
Open my blog.
I write and don't publish
A read and re-read my words to make sure they are proper and correct.
But today I give up and give in.  I'll publish what I've written.  I'll take criticism with praise and I'll be okay with it because I refuse to give in to the voice that keeps telling me that I'm not good enough for salvation or for God.

Hiding

I've been hiding out again.
Work has been a bit stressful and I haven't been very motivated to share much.
In all honesty, I actually got stressed out about how much I have shared on here.  Over the years, I had developed a tendancy to keep things to myself and didn't like people prying into my life.  Makes no sense being a blogger and all, but blogging was supposed to be my way of letting others in, learning that it's ok to let people see every side of you, even the damaged ones.  This was supposed to help me be comfortable being me and instead I'm freaking out.  I contemplated deleting the blog, making it private...and then I decided to just forget I had one for a few weeks which seems to have turned into months.
So, where have I been and what have I been doing?

I guess I've been here, dealing with normal (and not so normal) life stuff.

Taking care of the kids

Taking care of my mother when she broke her wrist (long story)
Working and trying to remain sane,
which I can say that my kids have done a fabulous job of helping me do.  They kept me alive and alert..more than you could ever know.  They pulled me out of the dark places I was wanting desperately to go to and have kept me motivated...to just be.  I mean, look at them, how could you not love those faces??

I never realized how grounded my kids kept me.  I always thought they just kept me on the line of sanity and insanity.  I never thought kids would be part of my life but I am so glad that they are.

Dear Jesus

Jesus, my Savior and Friend,

I wanted to chat and let you know where I've been.  Been working on finding my joy, being the person I should: the good mother, good friend, good follower.  I've struggled, I've stumbled, fallen flat on my face but I've met some wonderful people along the way.  They've picked me up and helped me out, helped me understand what these tumbles are all about.  I've caught sight of you in all their faces and it brings me such joy to know that you are still there with me, every step of the way.  I know I will continue to stumble, I will fight against the things you want from me, and I want to go ahead and apologize, but I am so happy to know that you are there for me and I just wanted to thank you.

Love,
Me

Turning the Other Cheek

I've often wondered why I've stayed at my job for as long as I have - it can be a stressful and very toxic environment.  Now, don't get me wrong, it has it's perks.  My bosses pay me well, think that family comes first, and for the most part, treat me like family (good and bad).  But, just like anywhere else, it has its moments of conflict.
Since my husband left, I have noticed a major change in who I am. I know returning to church has been the main reason for that and today it became extremely obvious to me how much I have changed.  You see, today I let something pass by.  I let go of my anger and irritation at a co-worker and told him that I wanted to move on.  I got put into a situation yesterday that I didn't want to be in.  I put myself there because I was trying to help another co-worker find a solution to his problem.  Without getting into any details, this person blamed me for something that he was responsible for and accused me of trying to get him "in trouble" (yes, we are both adults!) in my quest for a solution - saying this to me based on complete assumption only.  This accusation was sent in a mass email that went out to several people after the office had closed.  I was so angry last night that I must have written and re-written 5 emails in response that I was going to send to everyone.  I did the same on my Facebook account, wrote and re-wrote negative comments and public complaints about this co-worker even though I can't stand it when other people do the same. 
But I never hit send.
I never posted to Facebook.
Day two and here I am at work.  I came in this morning planning on not engaging with this co-worker at all.  Planning on being positive and moving beyond - which lasted all of 3 hours.  It took 3 hours for him to say something to me that almost pushed me off the deep end.  In trying to help him, because he told me he was busy, I screened a call for him and tried to get the caller the answer to their questions.  I was told by my co-worker to stay out of calls for that department as I don't know what I'm doing, in what I knew was meant to be a demeaning tone - yes, there is a history of prior conflict. 
I've never been one to bite my tongue, but I did and somehow managed to make it back to my office before I started complaining about him to another co-worker - and that is when I took my breath.  That is when I realized I needed to stop this "nothing" before it turned into something.  I went to my co-workers desk and decided to talk to him.  I told my co-worker that I did not want to be angry and did not want to fight and the most unthinkable thing happened.
He gave me a hug
And an apology.
It felt good and it felt right
And my day couldn't have gone any better after that.