Hiding

I've been hiding out again.
Work has been a bit stressful and I haven't been very motivated to share much.
In all honesty, I actually got stressed out about how much I have shared on here.  Over the years, I had developed a tendancy to keep things to myself and didn't like people prying into my life.  Makes no sense being a blogger and all, but blogging was supposed to be my way of letting others in, learning that it's ok to let people see every side of you, even the damaged ones.  This was supposed to help me be comfortable being me and instead I'm freaking out.  I contemplated deleting the blog, making it private...and then I decided to just forget I had one for a few weeks which seems to have turned into months.
So, where have I been and what have I been doing?

I guess I've been here, dealing with normal (and not so normal) life stuff.

Taking care of the kids

Taking care of my mother when she broke her wrist (long story)
Working and trying to remain sane,
which I can say that my kids have done a fabulous job of helping me do.  They kept me alive and alert..more than you could ever know.  They pulled me out of the dark places I was wanting desperately to go to and have kept me motivated...to just be.  I mean, look at them, how could you not love those faces??

I never realized how grounded my kids kept me.  I always thought they just kept me on the line of sanity and insanity.  I never thought kids would be part of my life but I am so glad that they are.

Dear Jesus

Jesus, my Savior and Friend,

I wanted to chat and let you know where I've been.  Been working on finding my joy, being the person I should: the good mother, good friend, good follower.  I've struggled, I've stumbled, fallen flat on my face but I've met some wonderful people along the way.  They've picked me up and helped me out, helped me understand what these tumbles are all about.  I've caught sight of you in all their faces and it brings me such joy to know that you are still there with me, every step of the way.  I know I will continue to stumble, I will fight against the things you want from me, and I want to go ahead and apologize, but I am so happy to know that you are there for me and I just wanted to thank you.

Love,
Me

Turning the Other Cheek

I've often wondered why I've stayed at my job for as long as I have - it can be a stressful and very toxic environment.  Now, don't get me wrong, it has it's perks.  My bosses pay me well, think that family comes first, and for the most part, treat me like family (good and bad).  But, just like anywhere else, it has its moments of conflict.
Since my husband left, I have noticed a major change in who I am. I know returning to church has been the main reason for that and today it became extremely obvious to me how much I have changed.  You see, today I let something pass by.  I let go of my anger and irritation at a co-worker and told him that I wanted to move on.  I got put into a situation yesterday that I didn't want to be in.  I put myself there because I was trying to help another co-worker find a solution to his problem.  Without getting into any details, this person blamed me for something that he was responsible for and accused me of trying to get him "in trouble" (yes, we are both adults!) in my quest for a solution - saying this to me based on complete assumption only.  This accusation was sent in a mass email that went out to several people after the office had closed.  I was so angry last night that I must have written and re-written 5 emails in response that I was going to send to everyone.  I did the same on my Facebook account, wrote and re-wrote negative comments and public complaints about this co-worker even though I can't stand it when other people do the same. 
But I never hit send.
I never posted to Facebook.
Day two and here I am at work.  I came in this morning planning on not engaging with this co-worker at all.  Planning on being positive and moving beyond - which lasted all of 3 hours.  It took 3 hours for him to say something to me that almost pushed me off the deep end.  In trying to help him, because he told me he was busy, I screened a call for him and tried to get the caller the answer to their questions.  I was told by my co-worker to stay out of calls for that department as I don't know what I'm doing, in what I knew was meant to be a demeaning tone - yes, there is a history of prior conflict. 
I've never been one to bite my tongue, but I did and somehow managed to make it back to my office before I started complaining about him to another co-worker - and that is when I took my breath.  That is when I realized I needed to stop this "nothing" before it turned into something.  I went to my co-workers desk and decided to talk to him.  I told my co-worker that I did not want to be angry and did not want to fight and the most unthinkable thing happened.
He gave me a hug
And an apology.
It felt good and it felt right
And my day couldn't have gone any better after that.

Why Did I Stay?

What in the world was I thinking?
I had another job lined up, one that was closer to home, with less stress and less responsibility.
Yet I stayed.
December, 2010 I tried to quit my job.  I tried to quit after months of enduring some of the worse stress I've ever managed to endure.  Things had gotten so stressful for me at work, that I would go to the bathroom at work just to cry.  I would come home from work and completely ignore my kids, unless it was to yell at them.  It got so bad that my doctor put me on two medications to help me manage to get through the day.
Yet I stayed.
My boss seemed shocked that I wanted to leave, though she had to have known it was coming.  It was obvious that I was fed up with everyone.  She asked me to reconsider and even offered me more money to stay.  And I did.
I can't say that the money didn't factor into my staying, but it was more than that.  It was that she actually wanted me to stay.  It gave me confirmation that I was doing my job and that I was a valued employee, something I was questioning.
The following month after deciding to stay, I started attending church - something I never thought I'd do again (a long story for another day).  But, there was Gordon that day at the coffee shop, probably the forth or fifth preacher to have asked me to come to his church and the timing couldn't have been better - I was finally ready for it. I came to fully embrace my Christianity and it has shown at work.  My co-workers have noticed this change in me too.
And that is why I stayed...or so I guess.  They have seen changes in me and some have even asked questions that have started meaningful conversations.  Some teasing from a co-worker about my new "Christian cult" followed by reactions from myself that have shown me the strength I have in my faith.  Feeling the joy of not letting my anger overtake me and turning the other cheek only to have it be followed by an apology and a hug by the offender.  Opportunities to discuss with co-workers the importance of forgiving (though I am definitely not perfect here) and having them listen without them feeling like I am lecturing, judging, or preaching to them.  And I've had the pleasure of seeing relationships slowly repairing themselves following forgiving.
I feel blessed that God has given my a chance to see all his grace working around me.  I am so grateful that God gave me this place, this real life, uncontrolled workplace, to grow my faith even stronger.

Sharing at:
Graceful: Hear it on Sunday, Use it on Monday
Finding Heaven

Jesus Help Me to Stand

Some Friday Inspirational sounds from Alison Krauss.  I've never been a country music fan, but I love her voice.

Enjoy!

Broken Families

The last few weeks have been a real struggle for me at work.
I've been brokenhearted, saddened by watching these families and friends that I work for slowly fall apart.
Hurting as if it was my own family being destroyed.
I look for my role in this challenge and wonder if I could've done anything to prevent this.
What is the reason for this?
What is the lesson?
I hear God speaking to me, in the people he's putting before me, in Facebook post that "click" for my situation, in blogland, and in the Sunday school lesson and sermon that followed.
Concrete solutions has been difficult to see but some words of wisdom have been comforting.
I've taken the wisdom from Sunday school's scripture:

¹ I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, ² with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, ³ eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

Ephesians 4:1-3 (NIV)

and from our Sunday sermons from James 1 in speaking of taking great joy and perservering during trials. 
I don't know if this is my trial to endure but considering how much my heart hurts for my co-workers, I will joyfully endure with them.

I will come to work and give a shoulder to lean on. 

I will give them all the love I have to give them in hopes of them finding the love they all had for each other before this all happened.

I will cast all my worries on Him (1Peter5:7) and remain confident in kowing that He has a plan for what is happening.



Perfectly Imperfect

I was thinking, "Why do we beat ourselves up for our lack of perfection before God?"  Maybe I believe different than most, but if God made me who I am, how I am and God makes no mistakes, then:
I am perfect.
There is nothing about me that is wrong.
I totally and completely embrace who I am
Because God made  me the way I am
It is because of the circumstances in life that he has put before me that I have
the personality that I have,
the desires.
It is because of the gifts He has bestowed upon me that I have
the talents I have,
the skills.
He has a purpose for me and I am going with it completely.
Do I embrace my sinfulness?  No, but I will not punish myself when I fall to sin.  Who am I to punish myself when God has forgiven me?  Jesus has already paid for my sins, which I am grateful for.
God uses my sins to teach me, help me grow into who he wants me to become.  So, instead of beating myself up, I will take these lessons as opportunities to become the Christian that I want to be.