Nightmares

>> Monday, April 18, 2011

"All men should strive to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why."
~James Thurber




I'm a bit overwhelmed by my feelings today, just not quite able to understand how I feel today really. I took a trip yesterday and felt anxiety overtake me as I traveled down roads I haven't seen in over 20 years. I've blocked out so much of those years and had hoped it would come back to me, but it did not. Not that I really wanted it to, but sometimes I wonder what it is I've blocked out and how much it is damaging who I am and who I want to be. I was amazed at how familiar it all still seemed and I think that is what took me by surprise, knowing which way to turn and the names of the roads before I approached them.

As I got closer to my endpoint, I felt a knot form in the back of my throat. I had driven by the site a few weeks before and knew that there was nothing but a road there, yet still, as I turned onto that road, I had a fear come over me, as if I was going to be transported back in time - back to my nightmares. I drove down the road until it came to the end. Slowly, I walked out of my car and just looked around like I was waiting for someone to come through the tall weeds that had overgrown in the area. As I looked around, I noticed images from nightmares. I thought they would be familiar, but they did not take me back to my childhood, only to my dreams. Dreams of running and trying to get away from someone that kept dragging me back to that place. But, I did not feel fear once I got there. I did not feel like crying or running or hiding. I did not feel like a child. I just felt numb... and that is what is bothering me. Shouldn't I feel something?

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