Saturday, June 23, 2012

A Failure

My bedroom was so alive with light this morning, but today I feel like I am surrounded by darkness.
I feel like a total failure,
A hypocrite,
Not humble enough, not deserving of God's grace.
I know it comes from my own fears.
Fear of doing or saying something wrong, something that is an incomplete image of God - my own God puzzle, with pieces that I've cut to make fit.  I don't feel knowledgeable enough or authoritative enough to speak or write about His word.  I'm afraid of confusing people or turning them away.  I'm afraid of reflecting what a Christian shouldn't be than what a Christian should be.
I don't always articulate well.  Most of the time feeling like maybe I come off as arrogant and superior instead of humble and loving, but that is not my heart.  I've always felt that reflecting who Christ is and who He calls us to be was better than me trying to explain Christianity
I do not claim to be perfect.  I have my struggles.  Everyday I struggle with wanting to be an addict.  Yes - I said that correct, "wanting to be".  So that I don't have to "Be Here".  So that I can hide away in the numbness of addiction to whatever vice I want.  I choose a more socially acceptable vice - shopping or food.  I retreat into the Internet, tuning out my children that want me and need me.  Tuning everyone out.
I want to shut this site down.  I am freaking out over everything I've written.
How "not" Christian it is.
How much of Me is out there.
How much some people will know and see.
And I hate it all.
So, I close my blog...
Open my blog.
I write and don't publish
A read and re-read my words to make sure they are proper and correct.
But today I give up and give in.  I'll publish what I've written.  I'll take criticism with praise and I'll be okay with it because I refuse to give in to the voice that keeps telling me that I'm not good enough for salvation or for God.

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