Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Casting My Worries Aside

25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life. 28 And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. 
Matthew 6:25-34 

 I feel okay right now.
I think I'm confident in God's plan, 
but I just don't really know.
I don't know if I really have faith in myself, in what I am feeling.
I got some news Friday that normally would've sent me into panic mode - 
My ex-husband is being cut down to part time pay again,
less than two months after being bumped back up to full time.
The company he works for is not doing well financially,
he's worried he might not have a job much longer.
All this means he will not be able to afford to provide the same support he has,
the support I need to pay for
clothes and food...
But I'm okay and I don't know why.
Is it really because I have complete faith in God's plan for me or am I just in denial?
I'm not use to putting my future, my security into someone else's hands, even God's.
I'm used to being in total control - 
This doesn't feel like me, like who I am.  
Have I really grown that much in Christ that I can surrender all my worries to Him?
I asked my preacher during our "coffee shop Sunday" session, How do we know when what we are feeling is based on our faith in God's plan or just the situation not having "sunk in"yet?
His answer, "Do you want to give God thanks for the situation you've been put in?" 
I don't know if I am there.
I don't know if I am giving thanks for my situation, but I am okay.
As is the season, I will give thanks for what I have and learn to carry that thankfulness throughout the year, when I feel worry, in need, and unhappy with what I have.
I will lay my prayers at His feet and give God my confidence.

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 
Philippians 4:6-7

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Friday, November 18, 2011

Blog Party

I think I left my brain on vacation as I just can't seem to get out of this funk that I have gotten into the last couple of days.  So, to motivate myself, I've joined a "blog party".  Guess it'll be nice to share a little more of me.  Feel free to join, the link is at the bottom of the post.
Here I go:

1} What's the nerdiest/geekiest/weirdest thing about you? 
I have a thing for geeks, I'll admit it.  In school I was popular and a social butterfly, but I always preferred my guys to be a bit nerdy.  So, I think because of that, I developed a love for SciFi movies and TV shows.  And, can I admit, I used to be a "gamer".  Now, people who don't game will not understand what that means, so I'll let you in on it.  I used to play role playing games where we would pretend we were elves or halflings and mages and such...boy, the arguments that would ensue sometimes when a character would get killed.  We put a lot of heart and soul into them.  Yup, a role of the dice would determine our fate sometimes.  I think I actually still have my character sheet.

2} If you could live in a fictional universe from any book, movie, or television show, what would it be? 
This one is so hard for me because I tend to like dramas and dark movies/books - who would want to live in those universes??  I am fascinated with the Bronte sisters.  I know their books tend to have a dark atmosphere to them, but there is something that seems peaceful to me about how they describe the "moors" in their books.  So, I guess that would be the English countryside for me.  I also thought that the movie "What Dreams May Come" had a beautiful heaven.  I know, a dark movie, but the effects were awesome.

3} Little or big, practical or frivolous, what is one of your favorite items in your house?
My china cabinet is my favorite thing.  It holds all of my art supplies...well, at least the supplies that I don't have spread all over the table, floor, countertops...

4} Do you like animated movies? If so, what is your favorite?
Beauty and the Beast.  I actually saw that in the theater my senior year of high school.  Did I just give my age away?

5} What is your favorite household chore?
Really?  I didn't know people had favorite chores.

6} What's your favorite thing to get at Starbucks (or your favorite coffee shop)?
Well, my favorite coffee shop in the whole world, Aversboro Cafe, makes a chaider that is awesome.  It is only available around this time of the year and it is an apple cider and chai mixture and it rocks!

7} What is your favorite pizza topping?
I like it simple - my favorite is a Margerita pizza which has tomato and basil and cheese.

8} Waffles or pancakes?
I could live off of pancakes.  They are the reason I could never do a low carb diet for long.

9} Do you like to play games? If so, what is your favorite?
I love playing games but no one likes to play with me...I'm too competitive.

10} Have you ever let anyone win a game?
Never!  Well, maybe just my kids

11} Have you ever dyed your hair?
On a regular basis since I was in high school.  You name the color, I've probably dyed it that color.  Currently a dark red.

12} Do you make your bed every morning?

13} Picasso or Norman Rockwell?
If I have to pick one of those two, it'd be Picasso.  Rockwell is too depressing - all those perfect people with their perfect simple lives.

14} Do you like carpet, tile, or hardwood floors?
I have hardwood floors and I hate them.  I don't wear shoes or socks in the house and you can feel every piece of dirty on your feet.  I would love carpet if my asthma and allergies weren't so bad.  It's just not as nice to lay on the floor when it isn't soft like carpet.

15} What's your favorite condiment?
Hmm...that white sauce that you get at Japanese hibachi restaurants that no one seems to know what it's really called.  That and cucumber sauce you get with gyros.

16} Have you ever thrown up on someone (excluding when you were a child)?
I don't think so, but I remember my ex husband, before he was my ex or my husband, holding my hair back for me while I was puking from food poisoning.  That was the most miserable I've ever been.

17} What was the last thing that made you laugh?

Need I say more.  My little Noah is a nut!

18} Think fast...what's the first song that pops into your head?
Chop Suey by System of a Down.  I have no idea why.


Thursday, November 17, 2011

Monday, November 14, 2011

Autumn Vacation

I love it when I accidently take a pic and it turns out this cool

I finally managed to take some time off work, 3 workdays off, today being my last day off.  My job tends to be a bit stressful, as anyone in construction can tell you.  I feel like people rely on me a bit too much sometimes and it can get overwhelming pretty quickly.  So, major plans were made to try to relax and do whatever I wanted, all while not worrying about work.  Needless to say, it was a total failure.  Thursday and Friday, I spent the day answering my cell phone trying to take care of issues and help out co-workers as much as possible.  I understand most of what I do comes with experience, knowing who to call and how to get what I need done, so I don't fault anyone that called me.  Today though, was a different story.  For the most part, I was finally able to take a day off.  Only a few phone calls from the office, but nothing major or that I couldn't take care of easily.  I had intended to take the day to straighten my house and get rid of/organize junk in my bedroom.  Instead, I dropped off my baby boy at daycare (sorry Noah) and spent the day with my daughter.
We went to a local "walking" park looking for fairy homes, lunch and talking.  I love it when Isabel wants to have adult conversations, her being 7 and all it can be pretty funny.  
No fairies were found, but we had fun looking.  We had a very nice lunch outside by a small pond.  The weather was too nice not to eat outside.  74 degrees in November is always nice, especially after a cold week before.  Then we came home, and before picking up Noah, and raked up MORE leaves.  Some days I wonder why bother.  By the time we were done, it looked like we needed to rake again.  Here are some wonderful shots I thoght I'd share:


No fairies here

Fairy must've been out for the day

Beautiful lunch outside

Isabel "helping" with the raking

So, the house is a mess, my bedroom is the same as before, but I am so thankful to have spent such a beautiful day with my wonderful daughter.  These moments are so rare and it's always nice to get one on one time with one of my babies.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fear Not

Why is it that I let fear hold me back so much.
I am so afraid of failure that I do not allow myself do pursue my passions
I love to bake.  It is my peaceful moment, my joy.  I would love to have a bakery but I am scared of not having a stready income while establishing a business, I'm scared that no one will come, I'm scare of being to overwhelmed with the pressure of running a busness and raising two kids.
I love to paint.  It is where I express my emotions onto a canvas.I would love to display in a gallery but I am scared that they will be critized, that they will be rejected as art.  I'm scared that I will be laughed at.
I never finished college.  I would drop a class the second I got anything less than a top score.  I was afraid to pick the wrong major and waste my time in a career I wouldn't like.  I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find a job in my field - so I quit.
Now - I want to date (kinda) but I am scared. 
Yes, me scared.
The same girl that pursued her husband
The same girl who, whenever she goes anywhere, will start a conversation with anyone, man or woman, as if we've been friends forever. 
I am very scared.
I'm scared that I will meet Mr. Wrong and not see it.
I am scare that my children won't like him, or the other way around.
I'm scared that he will turn out to be abusive or otherwise destroy the person I've become.
I'm scared he won't be what I want in a man - someone who wants to foster their Christianity without being "stuffy".
I'm scared he will begin to hate my flaws, my personality, my humor...
So I avoid it all.
I don't let myself get close to a man.
I won't go out on a date no matter how many times I'm asked.
I guess it's for the best for now,
I'm obviously not ready
But when I am ready, they better watch out!
Because when I am ready, I want to give every part of me that I have ever held back
I want to give purely and selflessly -
I am going to be fearless in love.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Following My Sinful Heart

"There are two ways through life - the way of nature and the way of grace.  You have to choose the one that you will follow."
The Tree of Life

This blog isn't what I really intended it to be.  I never meant for it to be a Christian blog.
I mean, who am I to write about faith?
I am not educated in religion or Christianity - no university studies or degrees.
I have failed at retaining my faith in God, on more than one occasion.
I am a constant backslider (as we like to call ourselves here in the South).
I use bad words, have tattoos and a temper.
My friends would laugh or be in shocked to see how my heart has changed,
but for whatever reason this is where I have been lead,
Back to where I've been before - believing wholeheartedly that this is the truth.
Maybe I was never really here before.
When I read the Bible now or go to church, it all seems so very new.
New for a girl who has gone to church since before I was going to school,
Who always had this desire to know God.
I have a clearer understanding of it all.
How strange that after years of church and fellowship, a few years of rejecting it all, that it would all seem so foreign.
I'm scared of this path my blog has taken, in a way.
I'm scared that I will fail you as I have been failed by others. 
I worry that you will see my mistakes and judge me dishonest, not a true believer.
I hope to not disappoint you,
I hope that you will see a little of me in you,
Not perfect,
Sometimes wrong,
A sinner.
But I also hope that you are able to see that despite all that - you are
Just like me.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Be Thanksful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

Author Unknown

Thursday, November 3, 2011


“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” 
— Thornton Wilder

I always find it difficult to jot down the things I am thankful for. It always ends up feeling so obvious and phony. I mean, of course I am going to say that I am grateful for my kids, my home, health, job... but what does it really mean to me? Why am I grateful for these things? Am I really grateful for them? Let's be real - it's difficult raising 2 children on your own, taking care of a home can be financially burdensome on one income, and it's disheartening feeling stuck in a job that does not fulfill me.
I've always been one to be complacent with my circumstances because I always thought, "well, it could be worse. I could be homeless, unemployed or alone", but how honest am I being? Life is not always easy, in fact, I'd say it's rarely easy.  My circumstances are not what I expected.  I promised myself that I would never be a single mother, I thought for sure that I would make the right decision when I got married, but somethings are just out of our control.  And now, my life has gotten off of the path I thought I had it on, the one that I thought I was in control of. That is just fine with me because I am truly thankful for those things I said.

I am thankful for my children -
they make me smile when I am angry
they remind me that it's OK to be silly, irresponsible, and immature sometimes
their simple way of thinking helps me to slow down and enjoy the moment

My home -
It's my place to make memories
It's my security blanket
It's my place to relax and be completely me

My job -
allows me to provide for my family
allows me to take care of my necessities and have extra for that other pair of shoes
Provides enough income that I only have to work one job
Gives me flexible hours to allow me to take care of my family

Lately though, I am mostly thankful for:
My eyes being opened and my soul reawakened
For the resurgence I feel in my faith
For the hope this all has given me.

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