My Plan vs. God's Plan

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

It took me a long time to let go of my pain, my shame about my past. I could convince myself that nothing was my fault and I was the innocent person in all that happened in my life, but deep down inside I felt rejected by God. I was being punished for something that I did or will do, for how else could this be my life?

I think that is why it has been so hard to begin this blog and to make it public. Secretly, I felt that I would be judged by people as someone who must have done something wrong. I felt God had deemed me unworthy of a good life.  Why else would God punish me with the difficulties in life I have had? I know none of this is true, but I am a woman and we all know that we are masters at blaming ourselves for everything. We feel guilty over things that we have no control over and had nothing to do with.  But, I've had a change of mindset the last few years.  I'm still working on making it complete and true to myself, but there are a few things that I feel certain of now.

- I am not responsible for other people's actions or sins

- I am not a bad person, despite the mistakes I've made

- I am not being punished for every imagined wrong I've committed

I feel certain that had I not had the life I've had, I would not be a good person. I have my faults (don't we all) but I feel like I'm a good person - I care for people around me, I'm kind, loyal. Had I been given a "normal" life, I know that I would've been a wild child, undisciplined and selfish, or at least more so than now.  I would've been irresponsible and lost.  I know this because I have felt it in me - that wild streak, that feeling of wanting to run away and say to hell with it all!  But, when I think of poisoning my body with drugs or alcohol to escape, I think of my father and remember how it destroyed him.  When I think of running away and starting all over, I remember how hard it was for my mother with 3 kids to have to start all over.  When I get stressed and overwhelmed now, I think of how stressful life used to be and know that it could be worse.  Even when I get frustrated at how "small" my 1600sqft. home is, I remember living with 5 people in a two bedroom trailer, the kind that you would hitch to the back of a truck, not even half the size of my current home.
Life is not always easy, but God has a purpose in gifting you with the life He gives you.  And it truly is a gift, no matter how hard and no matter how difficult it is to see.  I am so grateful for the hard life that I have had.  It has made me the person I am and I think I like her.  I still have to strive to stay in grace during current trying moments but I know God has a purpose.  His plans are bigger than anything I can ever imagine.