Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fear Not

Why is it that I let fear hold me back so much.
I am so afraid of failure that I do not allow myself do pursue my passions
I love to bake.  It is my peaceful moment, my joy.  I would love to have a bakery but I am scared of not having a stready income while establishing a business, I'm scared that no one will come, I'm scare of being to overwhelmed with the pressure of running a busness and raising two kids.
I love to paint.  It is where I express my emotions onto a canvas.I would love to display in a gallery but I am scared that they will be critized, that they will be rejected as art.  I'm scared that I will be laughed at.
I never finished college.  I would drop a class the second I got anything less than a top score.  I was afraid to pick the wrong major and waste my time in a career I wouldn't like.  I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find a job in my field - so I quit.
Now - I want to date (kinda) but I am scared. 
Yes, me scared.
The same girl that pursued her husband
The same girl who, whenever she goes anywhere, will start a conversation with anyone, man or woman, as if we've been friends forever. 
I am very scared.
I'm scared that I will meet Mr. Wrong and not see it.
I am scare that my children won't like him, or the other way around.
I'm scared that he will turn out to be abusive or otherwise destroy the person I've become.
I'm scared he won't be what I want in a man - someone who wants to foster their Christianity without being "stuffy".
I'm scared he will begin to hate my flaws, my personality, my humor...
So I avoid it all.
I don't let myself get close to a man.
I won't go out on a date no matter how many times I'm asked.
I guess it's for the best for now,
I'm obviously not ready
But when I am ready, they better watch out!
Because when I am ready, I want to give every part of me that I have ever held back
I want to give purely and selflessly -
I am going to be fearless in love.

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